Is it Bad

to say that I want to stay ethical and true to my conscious? Is it wrong to say that I don't want to cheat? Will looking at commercial aspects alone help? I agree to the point that one has to look into the money part as well. Thank God I am not in a position where I am forced to earn my bread. People just mock at me saying that I am a loser because I am talking nonsense in stating that my personal ethics doesn't allow me to cheat nor fake around. They say that I am not looking at the bigger picture. Is money alone the sole thing that takes one to places? Is it enough if I have that alone? People also complain that I am losing the opportunities only because I am not ready to cheat. My question to all these people is will one's conscious not prick for cheating and faking experience to enter a company? Even if I enter the company today what is the guarantee that I wont be caught and black listed later? Will these people come as saviours when that day arrives. 

Leaving all these aside, what frustrates me is that I have all the qualifications that are needed to get the job. I deserve it but for the gap in my career. I am told that I would surely land up in the job that I am looking for, if I put a fake experience. But why should I, is my question to them. Why cant people consider genuine cases like mine?I understand that exceptions can never become rules. However, they can be considered at times. Why is it that I am being targeted for no fault of mine? I have proved that am an eligible candidate and still am facing all these. 

All these have been racked because I am so disappointed. I was called for an interview today just to check whether I was ready to fake my CV so that the consultant could forward mine to one of the major MNC's . When He started this 'FAKE' word, I abruptly stopped him and said that I was not for it and if I had wanted I would have done it myself.Why him for that? He started giving GYAN regarding the commercial world and how I should be prepared to pay people. He said that I was not fit enough to fight this battle. Today I have money and I will pay. What about others who have genuine reason for a break and not have money to pay? Will they still demand so much? Is it only about money everywhere?

I am puzzled and taken aback by all these crappy money matters. I am forced to think whether Professional Ethics prevails at all if there is one. All this is because I have come across more than one in the last few days' time. I am becoming skeptical about everything these days. Will there be a change? While typing these, a sudden thought arises in me. Why should I bother about what people say who don't matter to me at all? At this point, I vow to myself that I will stay true to my conscious and show the world I can excel in any field that I get into. And a day will arrive when I give it back to these guys and expose their fraudulent acts. 

Hoping that there would soon come a day when these kind of acts come to an end, I am counting the days for the new year and a new beginning. 

In what would be my last post this year, I've got quite a few things to share. Since Aug, I have not blogged and that is quite a long time and so, have a lot to type.Here are a few...

September : Was a month of joy for me as I successfully completed my certification and it was like accomplishing a mission impossible in the first attempt. Though it is not a mission impossible thing, it seemed so because of the minimal assistance and less exposure to the subject. After completing the exam, it was time to pack our bags back to India. Everything had to be done in a span of 15 days from vacating the house, buying stuff and packing things and sending our baggage to India, to painting the house and handing over in right condition. It was tedious and everyday was fun filled with nightmares. The painting part had to be done as a huge sum was with the landlord as a security deposit. Had we not handed it over in proper condition, we would have lost some amount in that for repair purpose. But the last fews days were fun. My husband and I were happy since we shared a passion to paint!(sigh! since it was not our own house that we were painting (wink)). And we also had an additional task of disposing all our items as we were relocating. We started selling items and many visited our messy house to buy things. I must say at this juncture that everybody was amazed by the painting and cleaning work. The painting work was close to perfection. Even the agents who came to inspect our house were taken aback and applauded our effort to hand over the house in a very neat condition. All said and done, the after effects were ready to follow ;)

It was a month to celebrate and enjoy. In my earlier post I had mentioned about the wonderful set of friends that we have got. We all got together for the last time for a dinner and had a lot of fun. London is not devoid of Indian hotels. But this one was special as it was designed like a railway coach and each seat was designed in the form of berth. Nice thought I must say. We were gifted with a big portrait that had a collage of all wonderful events that we all were a part of. That was so nice of them and we preserve it as a treasure! 

October: Came October 1st and it was time for us leave for India. We were so touched by our friends' gesture as most of them made to the airport to bid adieu. All was well and happily landed here in India on Oct 2nd. It was a nice feeling to back again in our motherland and one can only enjoy it when he/she goes through the same phase in life. Families waiting eagerly to meet us made the enjoyment all the more joyous and wonderful feeling prevailed. Meeting every member of the family followed and everything went on smoothly then on.

It was a series of mixed feelings to follow since Oct 3rd as I was down with chicken pox from that day and it made everyone in the family upset. We had a series of plans and everything went for a toss. It was then I realized that what is destined will surely happen even when man proposes a lot! Uhhh.. So much to say. It was hell for the next 1 and half month's time as I could not eat properly and had my food track affected due to  infection. In the mean time, I had started applying for jobs in Chennai.

November: Jobs in India are abundant however, from what I have seen, people operate in a very so called "SYSTEMATIC" way. They operate with blinkers put on like that of the race-horses. I dont see many considering exceptional cases(I am one). I was disappointed to see that nothing was coming my way. I guess it all happened to me, to prove a point by the God. That instance proved to me a saying in Tamil "வெளுததேலம் பால் இல்லை" which means whichever seems white is not always milk. You bet. I was called for an interview one day and was told that I needed to work for them under their payroll for a about three month and after that I would be placed in one of the top MNC's. People were so convincing that I fell into a trap of cheaters(how dumb of me).They even promised that I would work on live projects until I get a job. And like any other consultancy they wanted money for that. I had agreed to pay them in instalments ( I was lucky enough to pay only half the amount). At least God had so much consideration and I was not insane to believe their words blindly. By then, I was still in the recovery phase. I joined the company on Nov 8th only to realize that they were frauds. They were ready to do anything from cheating to faking experience for money. The day I landed there was an eye opener for many as well. I had the knowledge of how it looks like on a live environment and how people teach and work in a big MNC. There were not many projects coming in and everyday when we asked about this, they would say that they project would come at a particular time from Banglore(God only knows what they actually meant) and that I would surely work on a live project. I realized that people were cheated left, right and center including me.

 I took the opportunity to teach everybody else about this and also how it would be like to work on a real time environment. None of them how it would be like to work in a bigger environment as they had this wrong notion that every company had some project rooms like the ones here. I decided to ensure that they understood what it is like in a bigger environment. Knowledge sharing is always fun and it was nice to share the knowledge that I had gained due to the certification I had completed a month back. I could also learn from the questions asked. It was a new environment and I learnt to adapt to the situation and had an opportunity to meet some nice persons there. I could also befriend a few and my fascination to admire different shades of different people had multi-folded. To tell about a few here - there was an angry young man fresh out of college, who could not stand people cheating and a friend of his who was happy go lucky guy who dint bother much. Everybody was fresh blood and naughty young men enjoying and misusing the internet facilities provided yet serious to learn something and ready to kick start their career. One another interesting person who comes to my mind is a girl who is multi-faceted and knows A-Z about the company. Yet due to her own personal commitments she has come to these folks. That is her personal wish. Another person who was also stunned as I am was a girl who has worked on a different platform and wanting to start afresh due to her passion. She was naive enough to pay all the amount. Poor girl and I found a cribbing partner in her(no offense intended) In all these, I managed to get the positive thing out and understood my strength that I could teach well.

December : Finally a project was offered and I was made to work on it and they tried to create a situation as though it had a deadline. I managed to deliver it on time and had it reviewed by the so-called testers and exactly one month later, not willing to continue I quit the company of cheaters.(Still had some 2 more months to complete) I could not stand that! Period.I understand from others that these frauds have told the other students that I have been placed in a big MNC as a back-door entrant paying a huge sum(which I have not and neither am I working in that company). I am surprised and have told people create such rumours and have warned that I would sue them. I guess this is how they would woo people into their company and they are actually quite good at it in making people fall for this!! Given an opportunity, I would like to rip them apart on the internet. I shall soon reveal who those people are.

I am also awaiting my hubby's transfer to Chennai. Until then, I am enjoying my life at my mom's place! My p-i-l have been sweet enough to make me stay in my dad's place. Everything has been good so far and am enjoying my stay there and with my cousin's son around, it is all the more fun.Not to forget, I also attended a reunion with friends and had good fun. Everybody seems to have changed and it is nice to see that people have matured over the years. Health wise this last quarter has been a roller coaster ride for me as I am just out of a surgery- no-surgery trauma since last week and for now, it has been decided that I shall not undergo any surgery(reason is personal though ;) )

This year has been wonderful and sorrowful in its own right. Wonderful, as I completed my certification   and am back to India. Sorrowful as I had lost a few of my relatives.

Putting everything aside, let us all hope that the coming years be joyful and blissful as ever. Wish you all a Merry Christmas and  A very happy new year!

Cheers!

Intriguing

I needed a break from my whole-day studying schedule! I was looking for something that could energise me and make me happy. As I was going through various people's status messages, I came across one of the videos posted. I was a bit skeptical about opening as my mood was already down. However, I decided to give it a try. 

I was very much moved by this video and watched it a couple of times more. The subtle message in the video actually reflects the state of the current generation. I was intrigued by this video and started wondering about how I would have felt had my child done this to me. I had an array of questions in my mind. And here it goes. 

How many of us

 i) have ever thought about our parents and given them some time in a day? 

 ii) realise that it is time for them to relax and enjoy their life rather than running behind something  or the other?

iii) thought they need attention and love rather than just money from our end?

iv) have taken them out for a walk on a sunny evening to a park?

v) have thought of sending a small Thank you! card as a gesture to show how grateful we are?

vi) have given them a thoughtful gift?

vii) have understood what our parents need without them coming to us and telling?

And the list goes on.. Not many would have done this. 

With the advent of the technology and the boom in various sectors, we youngsters are busy chasing our dreams forgetting the life that we need to live today. Today is real and the moments we spend with our parents are more precious than the moments when we achieve something when our parents might not be there to witness. It could be our parents' dream that we are living today. But that doesn't mean that they shouldn't be a part of it. Dreams and goals can be achieved with parents around and not by living away in some remote country. 

It is all about loving and being little more considerate and not taking people for granted even if it is going to ones' own parents. I vowed not to behave in such a way in my life time.

Love you Amma and Appa! 

Been to London

I am reminded of the poem "Pussy cat pussy cat where have you been?" Yes, I am talking about my London experience. I have a lot of experiences to share and today being Friendship day, I've all the more reason to pen down my experiences.

The last 6 months' period has been a journey in its own right. It all happened in a matter of a week's when my husband was asked to shift his base to London and was forced to move out of a house that was just occupied for 1 and 1/2 month by us. We had planned a lot of things for our stay in Manchester. But it was not meant to be that way. We vacated the property and came down to London taking all our luggage and household goods jam packed in a car and that was the last day of our Manchester stay.

London beckoned us with hands wide open and here we are till today. There is always a thing about this city that has amused me."Cosmopolitan". I,sometimes wonder whether the natives feel out of place in their own country. March 6 was the day when we relocated to London and there has been no looking back since then. As they say, friends are your family when you live outside one's motherland. How true it is!! There was this generous couple who accommodated us in their  apartment for a whole month. Wonder what we would have done had we been in  their position. Meeting people whom I have never known or heard of from friends has become a daily affair. Be it an Iranian, a British or a Ghana national!! There is so much to learn and they love to learn from us as well. 

I am amused by the different shades people. There are friends who have been so good to us till this day,who have always been willing to help us. There is a person who is down to earth even though he is a great achiever and his wife, a talented girl who is a professional and supports him so well, there is a happy go lucky couple,  and there is a couple who organise get to gathers and love helping others and the list goes on.  The birthday celebrations, the late night chit-chats, the bhajans, the lunches and the dinners, the cricket matches and the football matches... It has been an enjoyable journey and  every weekend has been eventful.

 Today, I had been to a Gurudwara to attend a Langar organised by one of our friends. It was a nice feel to attend such an event outside my country. It would have been like any other event if it was organised in India since it is very common there. But when I attended this one, I could realise the importance of it and how such events help numerous people who are not able to afford a 3 course meal everyday including students. I met so many people there dutifully helping out to do their bit. There was no difference amongst people. A person from any caste,creed, colour could enter and do his/ her bit. It was a friendly atmosphere and I could sense a feeling of oneness. I could interact with people whom I had never met before in my life and could connect with them easily. We were happy sharing our stint . The mood was light.How I wish it was the same back there in India too. I have learnt one thing after staying away from my country-- Respect! Though, I have never looked down upon people, now-a-days, I have consciously developed this attitude to Respect people for what they are. Every individual around us has something in him/her to offer to this world and we need to respect that. 

It is not only about meeting people here but also about finding a place that pretty much makes you feel that you are staying in your own place. Yes, when I was introduced to this place called East Ham, I dint feel like I was in London. I could here people talking my mother tongue and smiling and understanding what I was looking for. Wow, the world has shrunk so much. From vegetables to fresh Jasmine flowers, Tamil weekly magazines and what not. You name it, you get it. I am not missing anything as far as the food is concerned. 

The journey has so far been very nice. I might not be in this country after a few months's time. But the memories and learnings I carry are for a lifetime!! 

Kudos

to South Africa for coming up such a great and astonishing show. As I had already mentioned in my previous post, I know nothing about football. But since I watched a few matches I am now in a position to appreciate the effort that the people of South Africa have put in to come up with an extra-ordinary show. Many, including me, have mostly associated SA with a nation with poverty and under development and also with a lot of diseases. However, today they have made us all look up to them as a nation that can host such a show.

Everything about this whole FIFA world cup has been astounding and I am so happy for SA. Right from the venue to the energy of people, the passion of the players, the scenic beauty, everything has been mind blowing and I have vowed to myself that once in my lifetime I shall surely visit the nation.

And finally, Heartiest congratulations to Spain for winning this world cup!! :)

Football fever!!

Let me clarify my state here. Though I like sports, I am clueless about this game--football. Probably because, the nation which I belong to doesn't play this game at the world level (As though I follow Hockey ;-). I don't either) . So, I never had any interest to follow this game. Only saw it as a game where some 22 men chasing and kicking a mere football. I know that it is a ridiculous on my part to have had such a presumption. Wonder what a football fan would think. He/She must be hurt deeply looking at people like me. I presume that they might think that instead of talking to morons like me, they could either talk to a wall or a tree.

Now, I am mentioning about this because, I am surrounded by people who are ardent fans of this game. As I am currently residing in a country which is famous for the premier league, I cant but help talking about this now. I am talking about England which has this EPL(English premier league). They talk about Man U, Liverpool, Chelsea and what not. And if you are like me, then, these are some of the teams here. I only understand that it is a football version of IPL. Or should I be mentioning that IPL was inspired by EPL and other leagues across the globe?

Until recently, I never bothered to watch this game as my perception about this game has always been game full of arrogance and fight, instead of sportsmanship . But, I guess I have been wrong in being ignorant and forming my own views without even watching a single game. This 2010 World cup has been an eye opener. All this happened when I was forced to watch a match when England played USA. We all sat with pizzas, burgers, fries, crisps, etc. in front of the TV.People were talking about the fouls, the marking, off side, corner kick, penalty kick. And I understood none of these terms rather I should say I was keen on the junkies' spread in front of me. But when I started to watch the game for the sake of it(I had no other go), something fascinated me to keenly follow that day's game. The intensity with which each player was running from one corner to another to possess the ball and strike a goal was very instigating.

The passion with which each player played and covering the players in order not to let the opponent to hit a goal and the never give up attitude, were all evident. When people were calling names like Rooney, Lampard, Gerrald, Cole, Green, etc,  They said that "Wow, Rooney has been marked so well that he  is not able to attempt to put a goal". I could see the passion in the audience as well. The passion and the love for the game was infectious. I was slowly getting involved in cheering up. Though, I could not map the faces with the names, I could understand that England and USA were playing a good game and that USA's goal was a give away from  Green,  England's goal-keeper. 

This was just a beginning. Later when I saw a match where Argentina was playing, I could instantly get into the mood of the match. I saw the match had a mixture of emotions from anger to joy, from kissing to abusing and what not. I had seen Maradona for the first time on TV. I had learnt about his career peaks and  how it hit rock bottom and how he has come out as a coach inspiring every player, it was a joy watching him emoting :). A short guy jumping in joy and running here and there.. Wow, that was treat.  I am just half way through learning about this game though :). I am smitten by this bug already. Looking forward to Argentina's victory.

In all this, I learnt that perseverance and passion will help you hit the right target.  This game, "Football" is a very good example to show it practically in just 90 minutes. It holds good in every walk of life. Good lesson to learn.

Joy of Gardening

Mother Nature is a mixture of colours yet, the colour green stands out whenever I think of it. Generally, people tend to relate the nature to the greenery around and I am no different. I've always dreamt of maintaining a garden in my house with a small pond in it where fishes swim, children play around and elders have a relaxed coffee chat. It has till date remained a dream b'cos of the weather conditions in Chennai and as always b'cos of the lack of space and the hectic mechanical schedule. I've only witnessed extreme weather conditions. It has  either been hot and humid or heavy rain lashes out everything around. 

We have always been taught that there are four main seasons: Spring, Summer, Autumn,Winter. And the colours associated with each of these seasons spellbind me. The colours are an evidence to the seasons.

Spring -- Bright parrot green

Summer -- dark green

Autumn -- yellowish green

Winter -- the leaves fall off.  

With the onset of summer and a house with a vast balcony, I have no reason to complain. Yes, we(my husband and I) have started living the dream. We've started to have small garden with many pots of plants. 

From the seeding to the growth, it is just like a mother having a baby in her womb and the joy is profound when my husband an I see the saplings grow. Every little care brings in more responsibility in our lives and it is such a joy. A few of our plants are flowering plants and that too "Roses". Rose plants are the best reflectors of the mood in the house. I came across an article which said that plants sense the mood. Whenever there is a dull mood, the plants reflect by not producing more flowers. However, when the house is filled with joy, it starts giving you more and more flowers. Everytime there is flowers in blossoming, the joy and happiness in the house is doubled!! There is a pair of  an ornamental dwarf plant which is a variety of crotons. They show us the real colour of the seasons. 

One another variety that we have got is the tomato. The shape of the leaves are so beautiful and very cute. I just cant wait to see them produce tomatoes. The growing attachment towards these plants is so evident that we both are not able to see even a small leaflet drying out. Such is the affinity we have developed towards them. It also made us realise how difficult it would be for our parents to stay away from us. The love, the affection, their selflessness, the pain and gain---everything has been centred around us and we are indebted to them forever. 

 These living beings have a lot to offer to us and they teach us some hard lessons which we sometimes fail to recognise. One thing that struck us yesterday was that these plants and trees take nutrients from the soil grow to give back what they have got. These plants bind the soil and help in getting rid of soil erosion. Even after they are dead, they go back to soil to only as manure. There is so much of give and take. Subtle yet strong.

Now, enough of the emotional stuff.  With every morning springing me more surprises with more buds and flowers  I am eagerly awaiting the arrival of a new variety into my lil garden. It also makes me feel so happy that I am giving back the nature what it deserves(See, I have learnt a lesson ;-) ) 

5 Hrs!!

Those 5 hrs yesterday were like being in hell.. Because I had nothing to look up to, share my thoughts with and to see what was happening in the outside world. It was a mere adapter failure and my laptop's charge got drained out. So  I was rendered without a laptop.

These one& half years, my laptop has been my best companion and my worst enemy. I have shared everything with it right from my joy to my discursive thoughts and writings. I've seen the outside world through this notebook for the best part of these days.  All of a sudden, when I was rendered without a lappy, I realised how dependent and lazy I had become. Everything came to a standstill for me (from searching for recipes for dinner to going through articles relating to my study and to going thru' the various online news websites). I had developed a routine this is way and when it was disturbed, I dint know what to do. I searched for a novel in my book shelf(Thank God, I had some books)and started gng through it only to find me even more restless. Insane isn't it? When I was wondering how people lived without this luxury, I realised certain facts.

In my childhood, I've often come across a debatable topic "HUMANS Vs COMPUTERS" . My opinion has always been pro human. I used to say that since humans created these computers, they can never overpower humanbeings. I always vehemently denied my oponents' arguments of how computers were taking over control and that we would all be addicted and to it one day. But today I realise that they were "mostly" true.  From children to elderly, we all depend on this box for almost every damn thing on Earth. Earlier days, men and women had more time for their families and thus there was physical exercises involved. Children weren't hooked on to the computers. They had the opportunity to harness their team skills by playing in groups. Everything has reduced drastically resulting in a global impact!!  

Now-a-days, we use  search engines and we get umpteen number of choices. And the intelligence of these search engines is increasing and you get so many other options for a particular search term. For calculation, we take up the spreadsheets, maintain our day to day accounts, for mailing use gmail or yahoomail and what not? Now-a-days rarely do I(we) use the Inland-letters nor do I(we) use postcards to our near and dear ones. Instead of going to a post office and buying a post card and sending it across, I(we) prefer to send an email or an e-card. There are these social-networking sites anyway to help us peep into our friends' and others' lives in the form of comments and pics. My goodness, everything is based on a computer activity. Coming to childeren, they are taught how to handle a computer since they are 6months old. I find it strange when ppl start judging you based on your computer diligence!! The whole concept of shrinking the world using computer with the  means of Internet has only made humans lazier and I am no different. In all this, the simple pleasures of life have decreased and  the global warming has increased.  Yes, for e.g.  the computer usage for searching has a lot of effects.I was worried when I read the article on the Effect of google searches on Environment  

On the flip side, being hooked on to a computer or not is again based on ones' needs. This small box has been a boon to many rather than being a bane to some! The advent of technology has helped us to connect to any part of the world from any.  Getting almost everything we want with the advent of e-commerce is magnificient!! There are so many gogs things to pen down in this small place. All good things come with some disadvantages and in this case we are losing the simple pleasures. Yet, we still remain connected.

I felt happy when I realised that I was not a part of carbon emission atleast for 5 hrs. Every little helps!!

Rules are Rules !!????!!

Venky-Dedicated to you sweet heart!! 

Have been thinking to pen down my thoughts for a long time now. Not really been able to steal time from the hectic schedule and the mechanical daily chores around. But during this span, a lot of things have conspired. Each day has been an experience. These have taught a lot of things and polished my thought process. Coming to the point, there is one topic that has been circling around for a long time now. Rationalising things!! should we rationalise or should we leave things as it is for the people around us to be happy?

Everything  around us happens for a reason and there is one supreme power that takes control of these. Yes, I am talking about the Ultimate power for which we have given the name "GOD". We see God in the form of Shiva, Vishnu, Jesus, Allah and many more. We associate ourselves with one of these religions  which comes as a package. Yes, they come as a set of rules that we need to follow without finding the rationale behind them. There are many medium to understand. But we fail to understand the underlying fact of what they try to convey and blindly follow these rules ultimately to hate the fellow human beings. 

I have been on amongst the millions who follow the rules. Every time my husband tried to question me on certain customs, I've either ridiculed him or asked him not to question me b'cos I've had no answer questions. Subconsciously, I've ensured that things are done either my way or no way, stating, this is how I was brought up. I am a literate yet 've remained unenlightened! Many around me are like that as well. No doubt!! I am not happy but relieved that I am not alone.  Coming back to customs, how many of us really know what we are doing and why we are doing certain things? 

For e.g, from following the set of rules,  to not questioning the practice, many of us have remained ignorant !! How many of us really think that we need to know what is what? We have our own principles(if at all we have one) or principles of the society and a way of life to which we want to stick on to. When we see someone who takes the first step to change things, we make a complete mockery of that person and call him/her an idiot. The general norm in the society is to follow what the society thinks is right and not to follow one's heart. When a person wants to find a rationale behind an act, those who are not able to answer his/her question  just snub that person making him/her wonder what value he/she is going to add in all this by questioning everything. That person ultimately relents to peer pressure to only end up accepting what the society wants him/her to do! Poor souls. Are they that bad in asking us not to blindly follow certain things? I've realised my mistake and  feel it is high time we started questioning the norms. The journey is not going to be smooth. Will have to face a lot of opposition. Questioning doesn't mean we are turning into an atheist. We are theists who want to find a reason behind the set of rules and who want to answer the questions put forth by the rationalists. With this "Know what/why  you do" approach, we can build our knowledge as well pass on the knowledge and traditions to the future generations!!

Now, eagerly looking forward to getting inputs on why we follow certain customs and rules in Hinduism!! Can I get some?

Endless break

When I see some of the posts that I had posted, I get a feeling that I am in a different zone. But why am I getting that feeling? I am happy and chirpy as ever. But sometimes, I do get the feeling of being left alone to chase my dream. This is all b'cos of the time I have got on hand. God has given me a break. But I dont know for how long this is going to last. Is it going to last forever. I know it is not so. But deep inside, I am not able to take in the fact that I am sitting idle for most of the day. Is it because I am over enthusiastic and ambitious or is it because of the peer pressure? I ask myself. At one point of time, I feel that it is because I want to achieve more and more in life and another time, I feel that it is because of the peer pressure. I see my friends and colleagues achieving something or the other and me not doing so upsets me. But is it going to help me in anyway? I feel that comparison is absurd but again there is a lot of competition. I want to be a winner. I dont want to be like another of the scapegoats working for someone and being satisfied with whatever perks I recieve.

I discuss this with my husband whenever I feel that talking to myself will no longer help. Yes, he is the victim of all my idiotic thought processes. Yest when I told him about what I wanted to do, he suggested that I analyse the pros & cons and also asked me tell what my suggestion would be when someone near and dear comes up with an idea similar to what I had suggested. I have no idea what I would have suggested had I been in his position. Poor soul. He is neither able to accept nor reject my request. I can only feel sorry for him. As far as what my suggestion would be, I ve not given it a thought.

Coming to my way of life and thought processes, I have always been cuddled and life has always been a bed of roses. When I started to face the reality, I dealt it my own way. The "CRY baby" way. Even now, it is the same. I dont want to see me this way. I want to stand strong and want to prove to myself that the josh in me hasn't gone anywhere. I want to fight but will I ever get the opportunity to? I have to knock the doors but will I ever be allowed to? I get this doubt cos, ppl still treat me like a kid. I've started to search for the individuality and identity that I want to create for myself. No offence intended and nobody is to be blamed for the course of action in my life. If someone has to be praised or blamed for whatever I am today, it has to be me and only me and no one else.

At present, I can only visualize what I want to do. I do have a strong feeling that one day, I'll achieve it. I tell myself that if want to be a winner, I should shed all my inhibitions and work towards my goal. At any cost, I shall learn to live my dreams and stand for my views. As I type, I can actually feel the unusual brightness coming in through the window on an otherwise dull day. I have strong feeling that whenever we dream and give our 100% the Universe will conspire to achieve what we want. I have had my own experiences.

But, how am I gng to achieve it? What do I need to do for this to happen? I ve started to plot my plans. I shall post the answers to these questions soon..