When I see some of the posts that I had posted, I get a feeling that I am in a different zone. But why am I getting that feeling? I am happy and chirpy as ever. But sometimes, I do get the feeling of being left alone to chase my dream. This is all b'cos of the time I have got on hand. God has given me a break. But I dont know for how long this is going to last. Is it going to last forever. I know it is not so. But deep inside, I am not able to take in the fact that I am sitting idle for most of the day. Is it because I am over enthusiastic and ambitious or is it because of the peer pressure? I ask myself. At one point of time, I feel that it is because I want to achieve more and more in life and another time, I feel that it is because of the peer pressure. I see my friends and colleagues achieving something or the other and me not doing so upsets me. But is it going to help me in anyway? I feel that comparison is absurd but again there is a lot of competition. I want to be a winner. I dont want to be like another of the scapegoats working for someone and being satisfied with whatever perks I recieve.
I discuss this with my husband whenever I feel that talking to myself will no longer help. Yes, he is the victim of all my idiotic thought processes. Yest when I told him about what I wanted to do, he suggested that I analyse the pros & cons and also asked me tell what my suggestion would be when someone near and dear comes up with an idea similar to what I had suggested. I have no idea what I would have suggested had I been in his position. Poor soul. He is neither able to accept nor reject my request. I can only feel sorry for him. As far as what my suggestion would be, I ve not given it a thought.
Coming to my way of life and thought processes, I have always been cuddled and life has always been a bed of roses. When I started to face the reality, I dealt it my own way. The "CRY baby" way. Even now, it is the same. I dont want to see me this way. I want to stand strong and want to prove to myself that the josh in me hasn't gone anywhere. I want to fight but will I ever get the opportunity to? I have to knock the doors but will I ever be allowed to? I get this doubt cos, ppl still treat me like a kid. I've started to search for the individuality and identity that I want to create for myself. No offence intended and nobody is to be blamed for the course of action in my life. If someone has to be praised or blamed for whatever I am today, it has to be me and only me and no one else.
At present, I can only visualize what I want to do. I do have a strong feeling that one day, I'll achieve it. I tell myself that if want to be a winner, I should shed all my inhibitions and work towards my goal. At any cost, I shall learn to live my dreams and stand for my views. As I type, I can actually feel the unusual brightness coming in through the window on an otherwise dull day. I have strong feeling that whenever we dream and give our 100% the Universe will conspire to achieve what we want. I have had my own experiences.
But, how am I gng to achieve it? What do I need to do for this to happen? I ve started to plot my plans. I shall post the answers to these questions soon..
